Another Post.

Dispite me saying i wasnt going to reveal much about myself on here, ive already decided  i need to spill my heart out on here about how shit i feel my life is. Althought many people are having to alot worse i bet.
I dont want to sound like some person coming on this site just get attention and alot of comments and sympathy. I cant cope with sympathy anyway and i doubt ill get a single comment.
But still, here i am writing down how shit i feel right now and what i am considering doing, even thought i no it wont help anyone.
Im talking sucide, its not a thought i enjoy. Infact there are a million other ways i would like to die. I dont want to die fullstop. But sometimes life just can feel to much.
I cant believe how pathetic i sound.
So fucking what  if i want to die. Not like anyone would miss me. Except maybe me friend.
She is the only one i can talk to about what im thinking about, the only problem is. Once she had to talk me out of overdosing and since then she worrys so much, and i can understand why. But i dont want her upset, but i know if i do anything she will be. Hence it is making this such a hard choice to make, not that it wasnt to begin with.

Quotes.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism
– Unknown.

Death is a punishment to some, to others a gift and to many a favour.
–Seneca

The person who completes suicide dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand…
– Unknown

Only after death, can we be resurected.
– Unknown.

Its not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything
– Fight Club

"I'll draw you a picture,
I'll draw it with a twist,
I'll draw it with a razorblade,
I'll draw it on my wrist.
And if I draw it correctly,
a red fountain will appear…
to wash away my sorrows,
to chase away my fears."
– Unknown

MY views on suicide change, of course when im thinking this to me it is the only way out. But if a friend made a gesture of suicide it would tear me apart and i have no idea how my friends cope because i wouldnt. So of course i am very gratfully for whatever help i get and know that it is they are only giving it to help me and for no other reason.
Before anyone reading this feels as if i am going to kill myself as i finsh this blog, i am not. I have made a promise to myself and my friend to think about this until at least the 20th of april.

p.s

I come to notice that in writing this blog i do not write everyday or continue on  in order. These blogs are writen as and when i feel like it to get my feelings out into the open, if i do not update in a while it is because i am simply locking myself away and ill be back. 

Life.

The Blood Runs Free; Theres No Almost about it. Im Dead

Abortion;

Ive found out for sure today that one of my friends, Amy is pregnant. She is only 14. One mistake and her life could be ruined for ever now.
Except it wont be, shes decided to have an Abortion. I had before thought about abortion but its never affected anyone in my life. But when i went to see how she had been doing, she told me she had been up to the hospital to talk to a counciler about it, and showed me alot of booklets. I also looked to up on the internet, and i disagree with abortions after seeing pictures. But its her choice, i just dont know whether i want to go with her.
My problem is just the killing part, to kill something that has no power to change its mind or put a stop to whats happening. It just murder.

In  other less important news, i really really dont want to die, its the last thing i want to do. I never want to leave my friends or my family. Every time i pick up a knife, or any asprin all i can think about is the people i care about.
Dispite all of this all i can think about is just giving in, and slitting my wrists or taking an overdose. I no that that only about 1 in 20 attempts are sucessful, and it does happen i'll never see anyone again, but it will be over, all my thoughts and feelings will be gone. It would be better in the long run for us all.

And welcome to my life.

Hello,
This is of course the first post of my blog, and I'm going to drop you right into the crap of my life.

I am me, Georgia. Im 14 (at fucking last), a girl, and depressed.
Not depressed as in "Oh I'm sad today for the first time in 3 years because i lost my new mobile phone" I mean despite what how i look or say i feel, i feel sad all of the time. Whether i act like it or not is totally different. When im out with my friends i generally am ok, because im distracted and have other things on my mind. But when im alone all i can think about is how bad life is for me, and then how stupid i am because people have it way worse than i ever could. And i know they do.
If i wasn't for my, i would probably be ok by now. I just find it really hard to open up to anyone. So instead i just bury all my problem and try to forget about them until i cant forget them there to big. And for me the only way out of that is selfharm.
I started selfharming 2 years ago after one of my old friends killed themselve. I could have stopped them i wasnt there for them, it was my fault. I still feel like shit because of this and it will always be with me the thought of it. It was only yesterday i told anyone about it. I thought it would make we feel better but it just bought back everything, i felt like complete shit.

Before i go on, contrary to popular belief talking about suicide does not mean you are joking about it. It is not something to joke about.

 

I never even thought about suicide until thursday. When without one of my friends i would have gone through with it. To me i just felt like i might aswell give up, only 2 people knew what i was going through and luckly for me, one of them rang me. I didnt want to admit how seriously i felt about this, i just joked and try to make jokes throwing back every comment of help i recived, acting like a stuck up bitch.
I did say how i really felt until i realised, i was on the phone to my friend about to kill myself. I had already taken a small overdose, it dont know how she felt but i want to ask her i dont know how. I told her what id taken, and we both just ended up sitting and crying, and talking slowly about things. In the end i was lucky i could have killed myself, but all i got was the sickness. Leaving me the next day thowing up, alot.

 

I no, i thought after this and being so open about things i would be ok. But still even now i cant open up about my feelings, and help myself out of this mess. The thought of suicide is always stuck at the back on my mind, even last night i had thoughts again seriously but forced myself to sit with my family watching tv, knowing when im with other people im safe from myself.

 

I still dont know why i feel so bad, i think its my selfesteem aswell, i never feel good enough for anyone. And sometimes i just cant cope with my own feelings which ive always put aside when ever anyone else had a problem, because all i want to do is make sure they are ok first because im never as important as my friends. They always come first, no matter what, how ever bad im feeling or whats going on in my life, i cant put myself first.

 

Ive tried to stop cutting and thinking things like this, but i dont know how i can stop, i want help im just to scared to ask for it. I just wish someone would stop me.

 

Georgia